Hogwarts Online
by dot.dot.dot.deranged
Summary: Hogwarts has an email system introduced. Madness ensues, with classic cases of Whoops I Just Sent It To Everyone In My Address Book and I've Forwarded A Naughty Email To Snape. Enjoy.
1. The Unfortunate Incidents

To; 'Git' SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Nanny Nanny Boo Boo  
  
  
  
Snape is a smelly fart he smells of BO he needs to get a life and some shampoo. Ha ha you can't give me detention because it doesn't mention internet in the school rules! :p Harry  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
To;'Slimy Git' SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; Rongryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Knickers  
  
  
  
Sad. Greasy. Loner. Git. Kiss my arse, Snapie!. You can't catch me, nah nah nah nah nah! It's not mentioned in the school rules! Ron  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Annoying Twerp' Rongryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk , 'That stupid Potter Boy' harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Re; Nanny Nanny Boo Boo  
  
  
  
Now it is.  
  
Yours,  
  
Professor Snape.  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Nasty git' SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; Nevillegryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Fwd; Fwd: Fwd; Fwd ;Fwd; Why Snape is a loner  
  
Cc; 'Hermione' Hermionegryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk, 'The Fat Lady' FatLady@hogwarts.co.uk , 'Fred Weasley' FredWgryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk , 'Secret Crush' MinMcGonagall@hogwarts.co.uk , 'Harry Potter!!!!' harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk , 'Suzy' suzyhufflepuff@hogwarts.co.uk , 'Blaize' Blaizeslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
  
  
Ever wonder why Snape is such a loner? Look at these ten reasons  
  
1) He's dull  
  
2) He's got greasy hair  
  
3) He gives people detentions  
  
4) He's got no sense of humor  
  
5) He's evil  
  
6) He thinks making people suffer is funny  
  
Now, make a wish for Snape to blow up!  
  
*  
  
**  
  
***  
  
****  
  
*****  
  
******  
  
*******  
  
********  
  
*********  
  
**********  
  
***********  
  
************  
  
*************  
  
**************  
  
***************  
  
**************  
  
*************  
  
************  
  
**********  
  
*********  
  
********  
  
*******  
  
******  
  
*****  
  
****  
  
***  
  
**  
  
*  
  
Now, send this to one person; Snape will hurt himself  
  
Send it to 2; he will fall over  
  
Send it to 4; He will accidentally curse himself  
  
Send it to 8 ; He will erupt in boils  
  
Send it to 16; He will blow up unexpectedly  
  
Have fun!  
  
Love,  
  
Neville  
  
Xxx  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Nerd' nevillegryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; Rongryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; YOU IDIOT!!!!  
  
  
  
Neville you plonker, you sent it to *him*!! What was the one thing I told you not to do? IDIOT!!!!!  
  
Ron  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'That Potter Boy' harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk , 'Annoying Twerp' rongryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk , ' Idiot' nevillegryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Re; Fwd;Fwd;Fwd;Fwd;Fwd Why Snape is a loner  
  
  
  
Will Weasley, Potter and Longbottom please report to my dungeon immediately to spit clean the cauldrons with their tongues. Longbottom, for your information I am a well respected potions professor with a fashionable haircut, delightful dress sense and positive outlook on life, whereas you are a spotty, infatuated teenager with all the charms and social graces of a homosexual tennis ball.  
  
Yours Agitatedly,  
  
Professor Snape  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
To; ' Babe' SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk, 'Matey' harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk, 'Matey's Mate' rongryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk , 'Boss' Headmaster@hotwarts.co.uk, 'Blaize' Blaiseslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk, 'Draco' dracoslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; RubHagrid@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; :)  
  
  
  
Is it still on for tonight, Severus? Shall I bring the squirty cream I did last time? I'll meet you in the Library.  
  
All my love,  
  
Hagrid _______________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'That Potter Boy' harrygrffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Gross!  
  
  
  
You're humping HAGRID? EEEWWW! I am going to PUKE!  
  
From  
  
Harry ______________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Star Pupil' dracoslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; ??  
  
  
  
What happened to 'us', Severus? I thought you LOVED ME!  
  
Yours Sobbingly  
  
Your Darling Draco  
  
_____________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Blaize' blaizeslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; Rongryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; *retch*  
  
  
  
Oh....My.....GOD! Yuckety Yuck Yuck! PERRRR-UUUKE! Snape and Hagrid? Snape and Draco? I am sooo going to need therapy after this...  
  
Yours sickeningly,  
  
Blaize Z. ______________________________________________________________  
  
To; ' Big Guy' RubHagrid@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Re; (no subject)  
  
  
  
Bugger.  
  
Yours,  
  
Hagrid  
  
______________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Honeybunch' RubHagrid@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Re; (no subject)  
  
  
  
I can't believe you can be so stupid as to send the email to everyone in your address book again. I refuse to have anything more to do with you.  
  
Yours maddeningly,  
  
Severus  
  
_______________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Severus' SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; Headmaster@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; !!!!!  
  
  
  
I didn't know your bread was buttered that side, Severus.  
  
Yours amusedly  
  
Albus  
  
______________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'That Potter Boy' harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk, 'Annoying Twerp' rongryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk , 'Albus' Headmaster@hotwarts.co.uk, 'Blaize' Blaiseslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk, 'Star Pupil' dracoslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Re; re; (no subject)  
  
  
  
I wish to state that I have no connection other than a business one with Mr Rubeus Hagrid. He is a large annoying fool who likes to send joke emails out. I shall see to it that he is removed from the premesis as soon as possible.  
  
As for you, Draco, please keep your peverted fantasies to yourself.  
  
Yours smugly,  
  
Professor Snape  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Albus' Headmaster@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Re; !!!!!  
  
  
  
It's NOT.  
  
Yours pissed-offedly  
  
Severus  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
To; ' Kinky' MinMcGonagall@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Tonight?  
  
  
  
Are you busy tonight? I've had rather a hectic evening and I think I am in need of some loving...  
  
Yours Lovingly,  
  
Sevvie  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Hunky' SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Re; Tonight?  
  
  
  
Nope, sorry. Sense and Sensibility is on tonight and I won't miss it, not even for you, darling.  
  
Yours apologetically,  
  
Minnie  
  
XxX ___________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Kinky' MinMcGonagall@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Re; re; Tonight?  
  
  
  
Sometimes I think you're only being my girlfriend because I look like the bloke who plays Colonel Brandon.  
  
Yours Upsettedly  
  
Sevvie  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
To; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; MinMcGonagall@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Re;re;re; Tonight?  
  
  
  
Yes  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Hunky' SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; MinMcGonagall@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Re;re;re;re Tonight?  
  
  
  
I mean, No.  
  
Yours lovingly,  
  
Minnie _____________________________________________________________________  
  
***At this point Snape blew up the server and no further emails were sent that evening*** 


	2. The Virus

To; 'Harry' Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Ron: rongryffidor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
  
  
From; Subject; Yay ^_^  
  
I really hate Snape. Really, really really hate him. Just thought you should know. Here's the potions homework you asked for! Ron.  
  
  
  
Attachment; 4KB ~ Potions.exe __________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Ron' rongryffidor@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
From; Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; !!! ARGH!!!!  
  
You fuckwit! What did i say about getting emailed homework from Fred? It's a VIRUS! I now have a naked dancing Snape on my computer! HELP!!  
  
Yours disgustedly,  
  
Harry.  
  
____________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Harry' Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; rongryffidor@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
  
  
Subject; Re; !!!ARGH!!!!  
  
Oh..... fuck.  
  
Ron. ___________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Harry' Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk, 'Ron' rongryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; hermionegryffidor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Um.....  
  
Could someone please explain why a naked dancing Snape screensaver has just appeared on my computer?  
  
Yours petrifiedly,  
  
Herm ____________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Ron' rongryffidors@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Re; Um.....  
  
It's gone to everyone in my guestbook. It's a virus. Don't do anything, we can sort this out. I think. I can't think, naked people are terribly distracting.  
  
Harry _________________________________________________________________  
  
To;'Harry' Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; blaizeslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
Subject; OMG.  
  
What the FUCK is THAT thing?  
  
Yours disgustedly,  
  
Blaize ___________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
To;'Blaize' blaizeslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk , From; Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk Subject; Re; OMG.  
  
No-one actually knows,but Ron thinks it may be a part of his anatomy.  
  
Harry.  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
To;'Harry' Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; blaizeslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
Subject; Re; re; OMG.  
  
  
  
Well how do I get rid of it, moose-brain??  
  
Yours,  
  
Blaize.  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
To;'Blaize' blaizeslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From;Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; Re;re;re OMG.  
  
  
  
Um...we're working on it. In the meantime, don't do anything...  
  
Harry _____________________________________________________________________  
  
To;'Harry' Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; nevillegryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
Subject; ICK!  
  
  
  
whimpers  
  
Yours freakled,  
  
Neville  
  
___________________________________________________________________  
  
To;'Harry' Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; Rongryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
Subject; re; (no subject)  
  
  
  
We're going to have to tell a teahcre about the virus soon, Harry, I've got people to the left and right of me staring at me strangely because I have a naked bloke doing the can-can as my screensaver.  
  
Ron.  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
To;'Ron' rongryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
Subject; re;re; (no subject)  
  
DO SOMETHING! Dear GOD! Make him put it AWAYYY!!!!! He's....doing something....to the CHAIR! EW!!! Get a teacher quickly!  
  
Yours disgustedly,  
  
Harry. ____________________________________________________________________  
  
To;'Blaize' blaizeslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; re;re;re;re; OMG  
  
  
  
GAH! WHAT THE FLYING F*CK IS THAT????  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
To;'Harry' Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; blaizeslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
Subject; re;re;re;re;re OMG  
  
  
  
It appears to be some sort of snake... No, wait, it's moving! It's got a head!  
  
Yours,  
  
Harry  
  
___________________________________________________________________  
  
To; 'Blaize' blaizeslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; 'Harry' Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; re;re;re;re;re;re;OMG.  
  
  
  
IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIVEE!!!!!!!  
  
___________________________________________________________________ To;'Ron rongryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; hermionegryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
Subject; (no subject)  
  
  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!HHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ___________________________________________________________________  
  
To;'Ron' rongryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; blaizeslytherin@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
Subject; (no subject)  
  
  
  
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
****There was a long pause here in which can only be belived a large argument took place between Harry, Ron, Hermione and Blaize. A few minuites later, the following email was sent.****  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
To'Git' SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
Subject; (no subject)  
  
Dear Proffesor Snape. There seems to be a sort of glitch with the server that you might be able to deal with. Um, sorry for disturbing you and everything, Sir.  
  
Yours,  
  
Harry. ___________________________________________________________________  
  
To;'Annoying Twerp' Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
Subject; Re; (no subject)  
  
  
  
What sort of glitch, you pathetic pus-globule of a waste of existence?  
  
Snape  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
To: 'Git' Sevsnape@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
Subject; Re;re; (no subject)  
  
  
  
The sort with a particular person dancing naked...  
  
Harry ___________________________________________________________________ To;'Annoying Twerp' Harrygryffindor@hogwarts.co.uk  
  
From; SevSnape@hogwarts.co.uk ,  
  
Subject; Re;re;re ;(no subject)  
  
  
  
Reeeally now. ___________________________________________________________________  
  
****No further emails were sent that night, and it was belived the offending virus was removed some time later. However, the same screensaver was later seen on Proffesor McGonagall's laptop later that night**** 


End file.
